No one ever loves me. Not my father, not my ex husband and not even Daddy.
He has shown me this over and over, yet I have refused to see it for what it is. So desperate was I to finally have someone love me, that I accepted less when I deserved more. I accepted his lying, his porn addiction and his intolerance for my children. I accepted his anger, yelling and name calling. I accepted not being a priority. I accepted not being part of a team. I accepted being kept in the dark.
I feel that I will finish my life exactly the same way I started it, unloved and unwanted.
I am so lonely, yet I have no one who would care to listen. I only have this blog, how pathetic is that?
I am lonely and sad and pathetic.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Take me away......
I have been looking at property. Vacation property, that is. I feel like I need a place that I can escape to. A place away from all the crap of my daily life. A place where I can go and listen to the waves pound into the shore. A place where I can just sit outside at night, staring into a bonfire and just BE.
A quiet place. A place where the night sky explodes with stars.
I had hoped for it to be a place that was "ours", but Daddy seems less than enthused about the whole idea. Honestly, for someone who spent so much time outside when he was younger, he doesn't seem to like to get away from the house very much as an adult.
I have been trying to get him interested in searching for property with me, by showing him different places but so far the only reaction I have received from him are explanations of why the land/cottage/area, etc, are unsuitable.
I feel disappointed.
I was hoping for him to show some interest, to give me some positive feedback and offer to help find a place. I was hoping for him to offer to contribute half towards the cost since he and his children will undoubtedly vacation there as well.
It seems like he is reluctant to enter into any kind of partnership with me. Case in point, the house we live in is in my name only. I was the only one who looked for houses online. I was the only one who went and looked at said houses with the realtor. I was the one who saved up all the money for the down payment, he didn't pay a cent.
I feel so bitter about that because he just walked into the house and moved in....after criticizing me several times for the style of house, the location, the lot size, etc. I'm sure he doesn't even remember saying those things, a year later, but it hurt me so deeply because I had just plunked down every cent I had so that we could be together.
I guess I feel that this vacation property is more than just "property". It is an affirmation that Daddy and I are equal partners and that he is in this for the long haul. It would be something that is "Ours" instead of "Mine" or "His".
So far, I have been saddened and disappointed....why break with precedent, I guess?
A quiet place. A place where the night sky explodes with stars.
I had hoped for it to be a place that was "ours", but Daddy seems less than enthused about the whole idea. Honestly, for someone who spent so much time outside when he was younger, he doesn't seem to like to get away from the house very much as an adult.
I have been trying to get him interested in searching for property with me, by showing him different places but so far the only reaction I have received from him are explanations of why the land/cottage/area, etc, are unsuitable.
I feel disappointed.
I was hoping for him to show some interest, to give me some positive feedback and offer to help find a place. I was hoping for him to offer to contribute half towards the cost since he and his children will undoubtedly vacation there as well.
It seems like he is reluctant to enter into any kind of partnership with me. Case in point, the house we live in is in my name only. I was the only one who looked for houses online. I was the only one who went and looked at said houses with the realtor. I was the one who saved up all the money for the down payment, he didn't pay a cent.
I feel so bitter about that because he just walked into the house and moved in....after criticizing me several times for the style of house, the location, the lot size, etc. I'm sure he doesn't even remember saying those things, a year later, but it hurt me so deeply because I had just plunked down every cent I had so that we could be together.
I guess I feel that this vacation property is more than just "property". It is an affirmation that Daddy and I are equal partners and that he is in this for the long haul. It would be something that is "Ours" instead of "Mine" or "His".
So far, I have been saddened and disappointed....why break with precedent, I guess?
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Circle of Life.........
There is so much that goes on, day to day, that I don't write about. I just don't have the strength. Life is exhausting sometimes.
I came home from work a few days ago and couldn't sleep. I stayed awake for hours, just replaying the workday in my head. I have an elderly patient dying of an aggressive form of cancer and her family have been holding a vigil around her, just waiting for her to die. The poor woman is basically a skeleton covered in skin. There is no meat on her bones, at all. She is so frail, you'd swear you could snap her in half. There is no more chemo or radiation to be had...this is the end for her. There is nothing more we can do, so she is basically gurgling and drowning in her own lungs until her heart gives out.
Fuck, I hate that.
It is excruciating to watch her suffer, but what had me bothered this night was a scene that had played out several hours into my shift.
The patient had been incontinent of urine, so her bed and nightgown were soaked. I went in to assist one of the daughters to change the sheets and witnessed a scene that has haunted me for days now. The daughter had coaxed her mother to the edge of the bed, because we could not put the bed down flat to change it. In addition to not being able to lie back, the patient also could not roll...so it was impossible to change the bed with her in it. So, she had to get out of the bed entirely, which was quite a feat. As the daughter helped her to the side she kept saying "Come on Mom, there's a girl, come with me darling, what a good girl, you're okay, I'm gonna help you Mom" and then she reached down and lifted her skeletal mother from the bed and put her down gently into the chair next to the bed.
Big deal, right? But it bothered me so much, I wanted to cry right there. The mother was no longer the mother... and the daughter was no longer the daughter. The roles had been reversed. The daughter was now the mother and the mother was now the child. It was the daughter who now had to care for her mother and not the other way around.
It made me so sad and it made me think of my own mother and how someday our roles will be reversed too.
I frequently think about death and dying. How can I not? I am surrounded by it every single day at work. But for someone who spends as much time as I do immersed in thoughts of sickness and death, I am not particularly accepting of it.
It terrifies me. I spend an enormous amount of energy worrying. Worrying about sickness, worrying about death, worrying that THIS life is all there is.
I do not believe in Christianity, I am basically an atheist and I am obsessed with worry that this life is ALL there is. It just consumes me, you have no idea.
And so, I spent hours later that night, tucked away safely in my bed and let that scene of a daughter and her mother consume me for hours.......
I came home from work a few days ago and couldn't sleep. I stayed awake for hours, just replaying the workday in my head. I have an elderly patient dying of an aggressive form of cancer and her family have been holding a vigil around her, just waiting for her to die. The poor woman is basically a skeleton covered in skin. There is no meat on her bones, at all. She is so frail, you'd swear you could snap her in half. There is no more chemo or radiation to be had...this is the end for her. There is nothing more we can do, so she is basically gurgling and drowning in her own lungs until her heart gives out.
Fuck, I hate that.
It is excruciating to watch her suffer, but what had me bothered this night was a scene that had played out several hours into my shift.
The patient had been incontinent of urine, so her bed and nightgown were soaked. I went in to assist one of the daughters to change the sheets and witnessed a scene that has haunted me for days now. The daughter had coaxed her mother to the edge of the bed, because we could not put the bed down flat to change it. In addition to not being able to lie back, the patient also could not roll...so it was impossible to change the bed with her in it. So, she had to get out of the bed entirely, which was quite a feat. As the daughter helped her to the side she kept saying "Come on Mom, there's a girl, come with me darling, what a good girl, you're okay, I'm gonna help you Mom" and then she reached down and lifted her skeletal mother from the bed and put her down gently into the chair next to the bed.
Big deal, right? But it bothered me so much, I wanted to cry right there. The mother was no longer the mother... and the daughter was no longer the daughter. The roles had been reversed. The daughter was now the mother and the mother was now the child. It was the daughter who now had to care for her mother and not the other way around.
It made me so sad and it made me think of my own mother and how someday our roles will be reversed too.
I frequently think about death and dying. How can I not? I am surrounded by it every single day at work. But for someone who spends as much time as I do immersed in thoughts of sickness and death, I am not particularly accepting of it.
It terrifies me. I spend an enormous amount of energy worrying. Worrying about sickness, worrying about death, worrying that THIS life is all there is.
I do not believe in Christianity, I am basically an atheist and I am obsessed with worry that this life is ALL there is. It just consumes me, you have no idea.
And so, I spent hours later that night, tucked away safely in my bed and let that scene of a daughter and her mother consume me for hours.......
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Jealousy....is just "Lousy", plus a few other letters
Some days I think that living in the country, away from all the crappola in my daily life , would be very nice.
Daddy has decided that he is not going to read my blog anymore. Lately, he has been quite upset with the way he has been portrayed. The truth hurts, apparently.
A couple of days ago, he read my Canada Day post where, at the end of it, I wished Jamie "Happy Birthday". I felt it was harmless but Daddy was just rip roaring mad. He accused me of still wanting to be with Jamie, of still being in love with him, etc., etc., etc. I found this incredibly ridiculous, considering that I am now FREE for the first time in YEARS and if it was Jamie that I wanted, then I would be chasing Jamie instead of living with Daddy and trying so fucking hard to make things work.
Considering what DADDY has been doing to me lately with all the porn and lying, I don't think he has much right to criticize me about anything.
Apparently he didn't like it when the tables were turned on him, though.
He was so angry that when I tried to reason with him in the hallway, he shoved me into the stairs and made me fall. He claims he just shoved me and I "fell", but come on, he shoved me into the fucking stairs. Of course I was going to fall. I hurt myself and cried and he seemed to feel bad, but honestly, I don't know what has become of myself that I would ALLOW someone to shove me and I would take them back like nothing happened.
A few days before this we were in the kitchen, we were standing close together and talking when he grabbed me by the throat....for no reason at all. I was kind of taken aback and he said something like "You didn't think I was going to do that, did you?"
You know, in the past he has told me that his ex wife said that she was "intimidated" by him and I laughed it off. But maybe there was something to that. Who knows.
I do know that everything about our relationship is intense, the sex, the arguing, the love, the hatred....
Will the real Kaii please stand up, because I don't know who this version is anymore.
Daddy has decided that he is not going to read my blog anymore. Lately, he has been quite upset with the way he has been portrayed. The truth hurts, apparently.
A couple of days ago, he read my Canada Day post where, at the end of it, I wished Jamie "Happy Birthday". I felt it was harmless but Daddy was just rip roaring mad. He accused me of still wanting to be with Jamie, of still being in love with him, etc., etc., etc. I found this incredibly ridiculous, considering that I am now FREE for the first time in YEARS and if it was Jamie that I wanted, then I would be chasing Jamie instead of living with Daddy and trying so fucking hard to make things work.
Considering what DADDY has been doing to me lately with all the porn and lying, I don't think he has much right to criticize me about anything.
Apparently he didn't like it when the tables were turned on him, though.
He was so angry that when I tried to reason with him in the hallway, he shoved me into the stairs and made me fall. He claims he just shoved me and I "fell", but come on, he shoved me into the fucking stairs. Of course I was going to fall. I hurt myself and cried and he seemed to feel bad, but honestly, I don't know what has become of myself that I would ALLOW someone to shove me and I would take them back like nothing happened.
A few days before this we were in the kitchen, we were standing close together and talking when he grabbed me by the throat....for no reason at all. I was kind of taken aback and he said something like "You didn't think I was going to do that, did you?"
You know, in the past he has told me that his ex wife said that she was "intimidated" by him and I laughed it off. But maybe there was something to that. Who knows.
I do know that everything about our relationship is intense, the sex, the arguing, the love, the hatred....
Will the real Kaii please stand up, because I don't know who this version is anymore.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Just a Small Town Girl, Living in a Lonely World.......
Steve Perry, I love you.
So, what's going on today? Well, the Canada Day Fireworks were lovely. Daddy and I took our kids and therefore had to take separate cars because there are just too many of us. We agreed on a meeting place but we got separated in the enormous traffic. But, that's okay because we had agreed on a meeting place, right?
Wrong. For some fucking reason, Daddy turned off several kilometres before that and got out and watched the fireworks from there. Why, you ask? I have no fucking idea. I ended up going somewhere else too as I couldn't find him anywhere. His children informed me this morning that they also went out for ice cream afterwards.
Lovely.
Thanks for waiting for us and going together....as a goddamned family. I had actually told my kids that we would go out for Slushies after the Fireworks and I drove ALL the way home just to ask Daddy if he and his kids wanted to go too, because that's what families do.
I feel sad. It seems we are never a family. I keep accepting these little (and sometimes VERY BIG) things that I would never normally put up with. I feel like my self esteem is non existent at this point. Daddy told me yesterday that I was very "insecure". I wonder why. I just feel so unhappy with everything.
We were talking about one of his kids birthdays which is coming up in 6 weeks. One of my kids has a birthday a couple of days later. I asked him what he would like to do and he kept ignoring me. I must of asked him 4 or 5 times.
"What do you want to do for the kid's birthdays? Do you want to plan one big birthday for when we will all be together?
*silence
"Well, what do you think we should do?"
"I don't know"
Daddy has a way of ignoring me and ignoring me until I give up and just stop asking him. Either that or he changes the subject and leads the conversation somewhere else.
Finally, several days later, he finally answered me and said that he was going to celebrate his kid's birthday on the actual day instead of waiting for everyone to be together. So, basically, I will be working for 12 hours and my kids will be with their father. It will only be him and his kids.
I feel dejected and just....defeated somehow. I went ahead and planned my kid's birthday party...but not for the ACTUAL day of his birth but for several days later when Daddy's kids would be at our house and we could ALL be together. Like a FAMILY is supposed to do.
So, I got really upset and then Daddy said he was still having the birthday with his kid opening the gifts on the actual birthday but that we could still have something for them too on the same day that I had arranged for my kid's birthday.
That doesn't seem right to me because there will be no gifts for Daddy's kid because they will have already opened them and then I am making my kid share his birthday with someone who already had another damn birthday and opened all their gifts already. It just seems wrong somehow, just like the rest of our relationship.
Daddy says I complain too much. He told me the other day that he was "sick of my crap". Funny, I feel exactly the same way about him.
Regarding our big blow up the other day, Daddy told me that he will not look at porn anymore. I don't believe him. He keeps trying to justify why he acts the way he does. I don't want to hear justification. I want to hear that he's sorry, but he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong because watching porn for hours at a time every single fucking day is okay...didn't you know that? It's even acceptable when you're watching small children OR when your significant other is home and ready, willing and able to fuck your brains out at any given moment. It's always okay...because "that's just what men do".
What the fuck ever.
Daddy went to bed last night after the fireworks and I stayed up alone and watched tv. I felt sad and lonely. Wow, sounds like every other night of my MARRIED life for the past 10 years. I sat in the dark and watched one of those Dateline/48 hours thingies about a brother and sister that killed their step father. It made me think of my own kids and their relationship with Daddy. They are very distant with him. He's not terribly nice to them, I don't think that he's ever hugged one of them. He is mostly a yelling, intimidating figure in the house. He just expects children to OBEY and not question anything. He expects the kids to be better behaved than HE was as a child. He treats my son the worst. Daddy has 2 speeds with him, either sarcastic or aggressive. It makes me so angry because my son has had a hard enough life with his own father ignoring him. Why can't Daddy just treat my children the same way I treat his? Why can't he be good to them instead of only interacting with them when it's about something negative?
I am so good to his kids and it makes me feel resentful. Why do his kids deserve to be treated well while mine only get anger from him. Why do his kids deserve special treatment? His kids routinely hug me and tell me that they love me. Mine have never done anything like that to Daddy, nor has he to them.
The other night, one of his kids misplaced their Gameboy and Daddy accused one of my kids of taking it. He made them get out of bed and pulled the blankets off and everything. Turns out that his kid had put it under their own blanket, in their own bed and had forgotten about it. I felt so angry and insulted that he didn't even apologize to my child.
In his world, there is one set of rules for his kids and one set for my kids.
I just feel so angry and resentful lot of the time but don't bother to say anything to him because he says that all I do is complain and talk about how I feel.
I am so lonely.
So, what's going on today? Well, the Canada Day Fireworks were lovely. Daddy and I took our kids and therefore had to take separate cars because there are just too many of us. We agreed on a meeting place but we got separated in the enormous traffic. But, that's okay because we had agreed on a meeting place, right?
Wrong. For some fucking reason, Daddy turned off several kilometres before that and got out and watched the fireworks from there. Why, you ask? I have no fucking idea. I ended up going somewhere else too as I couldn't find him anywhere. His children informed me this morning that they also went out for ice cream afterwards.
Lovely.
Thanks for waiting for us and going together....as a goddamned family. I had actually told my kids that we would go out for Slushies after the Fireworks and I drove ALL the way home just to ask Daddy if he and his kids wanted to go too, because that's what families do.
I feel sad. It seems we are never a family. I keep accepting these little (and sometimes VERY BIG) things that I would never normally put up with. I feel like my self esteem is non existent at this point. Daddy told me yesterday that I was very "insecure". I wonder why. I just feel so unhappy with everything.
We were talking about one of his kids birthdays which is coming up in 6 weeks. One of my kids has a birthday a couple of days later. I asked him what he would like to do and he kept ignoring me. I must of asked him 4 or 5 times.
"What do you want to do for the kid's birthdays? Do you want to plan one big birthday for when we will all be together?
*silence
"Well, what do you think we should do?"
"I don't know"
Daddy has a way of ignoring me and ignoring me until I give up and just stop asking him. Either that or he changes the subject and leads the conversation somewhere else.
Finally, several days later, he finally answered me and said that he was going to celebrate his kid's birthday on the actual day instead of waiting for everyone to be together. So, basically, I will be working for 12 hours and my kids will be with their father. It will only be him and his kids.
I feel dejected and just....defeated somehow. I went ahead and planned my kid's birthday party...but not for the ACTUAL day of his birth but for several days later when Daddy's kids would be at our house and we could ALL be together. Like a FAMILY is supposed to do.
So, I got really upset and then Daddy said he was still having the birthday with his kid opening the gifts on the actual birthday but that we could still have something for them too on the same day that I had arranged for my kid's birthday.
That doesn't seem right to me because there will be no gifts for Daddy's kid because they will have already opened them and then I am making my kid share his birthday with someone who already had another damn birthday and opened all their gifts already. It just seems wrong somehow, just like the rest of our relationship.
Daddy says I complain too much. He told me the other day that he was "sick of my crap". Funny, I feel exactly the same way about him.
Regarding our big blow up the other day, Daddy told me that he will not look at porn anymore. I don't believe him. He keeps trying to justify why he acts the way he does. I don't want to hear justification. I want to hear that he's sorry, but he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong because watching porn for hours at a time every single fucking day is okay...didn't you know that? It's even acceptable when you're watching small children OR when your significant other is home and ready, willing and able to fuck your brains out at any given moment. It's always okay...because "that's just what men do".
What the fuck ever.
Daddy went to bed last night after the fireworks and I stayed up alone and watched tv. I felt sad and lonely. Wow, sounds like every other night of my MARRIED life for the past 10 years. I sat in the dark and watched one of those Dateline/48 hours thingies about a brother and sister that killed their step father. It made me think of my own kids and their relationship with Daddy. They are very distant with him. He's not terribly nice to them, I don't think that he's ever hugged one of them. He is mostly a yelling, intimidating figure in the house. He just expects children to OBEY and not question anything. He expects the kids to be better behaved than HE was as a child. He treats my son the worst. Daddy has 2 speeds with him, either sarcastic or aggressive. It makes me so angry because my son has had a hard enough life with his own father ignoring him. Why can't Daddy just treat my children the same way I treat his? Why can't he be good to them instead of only interacting with them when it's about something negative?
I am so good to his kids and it makes me feel resentful. Why do his kids deserve to be treated well while mine only get anger from him. Why do his kids deserve special treatment? His kids routinely hug me and tell me that they love me. Mine have never done anything like that to Daddy, nor has he to them.
The other night, one of his kids misplaced their Gameboy and Daddy accused one of my kids of taking it. He made them get out of bed and pulled the blankets off and everything. Turns out that his kid had put it under their own blanket, in their own bed and had forgotten about it. I felt so angry and insulted that he didn't even apologize to my child.
In his world, there is one set of rules for his kids and one set for my kids.
I just feel so angry and resentful lot of the time but don't bother to say anything to him because he says that all I do is complain and talk about how I feel.
I am so lonely.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Bonne Fete Canada......
Am I bilingual, you ask? Bien sure. Canada is an officially bilingual country, you know. Besides, Daddy was raised French but now speaks primarily English, so our conversations are predominantly English with a smattering of French for good measure.
I have a French mother and an English Father and I attended school primarily in French until I hit high school. But, French, like all other languages, if you don't speak it daily, then you tend to lose it.
I suppose I speak french well enough to get by with my French patients at work but there are many dialects of French spoken here. It is a strange, strange country indeed.
So, today is Canada's 142 birthday. I suppose we're a pretty young country by European standards, aren't we?
We call this day "Canada Day". It is our National Holiday and everything is closed. We celebrate throughout the country by music, festivals, flag waving, face painting, stuffing our faces with barbecued food and then to top it all off.....the fireworks. Personally, I wait all year for the Canada Day Fireworks. It is such an event, one that I watch with rapt attention.
I'm such a little kid :P
Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians. We have much to be proud of.
PS Happy Birthday Jamie :)
I have a French mother and an English Father and I attended school primarily in French until I hit high school. But, French, like all other languages, if you don't speak it daily, then you tend to lose it.
I suppose I speak french well enough to get by with my French patients at work but there are many dialects of French spoken here. It is a strange, strange country indeed.
So, today is Canada's 142 birthday. I suppose we're a pretty young country by European standards, aren't we?
We call this day "Canada Day". It is our National Holiday and everything is closed. We celebrate throughout the country by music, festivals, flag waving, face painting, stuffing our faces with barbecued food and then to top it all off.....the fireworks. Personally, I wait all year for the Canada Day Fireworks. It is such an event, one that I watch with rapt attention.
I'm such a little kid :P
Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians. We have much to be proud of.
PS Happy Birthday Jamie :)
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tito, get me some tissue....Germaine, stop teasing.....
Well, holy fuck.
Michael Jackson is dead.
What a goddamned shocker that is. I was at work when we first heard from a coworker that "something happened to Michael Jackson". We were all shocked and huddled around one of the computers in the nurses station, watching CNN.
And, unbelievably, it was true.
Michael Jackson had a massive MI and never regained consciousness. Wow.
I feel sorry for those 3 children of his. What a life they must of led, shrouded and hidden from the world. Even though he turned into an oddity as he grew up, he was still their father. How sad.
You know, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was the first ever record I ever owned as a kid. I was absolutely crazy about him. I even had a red "Thriller" jacket and sequined glove. I remember getting that glove for my tenth birthday. I would wear it and dance around to his album for hours in my bedroom.
It is a fond memory from my childhood. Michael Jackson was my first celebrity crush. He was so handsome at that time, it was a shame what he eventually became.
He turned out to be such a weirdo, later on in life though. How sad. He was also most likely a pedophile. What a tragic human being.
Michael Jackson, icon, trailblazer, singer, dancer, poet, entertainer, brother, son, father....RIP
Michael Jackson is dead.
What a goddamned shocker that is. I was at work when we first heard from a coworker that "something happened to Michael Jackson". We were all shocked and huddled around one of the computers in the nurses station, watching CNN.
And, unbelievably, it was true.
Michael Jackson had a massive MI and never regained consciousness. Wow.
I feel sorry for those 3 children of his. What a life they must of led, shrouded and hidden from the world. Even though he turned into an oddity as he grew up, he was still their father. How sad.
You know, Michael Jackson's "Thriller" was the first ever record I ever owned as a kid. I was absolutely crazy about him. I even had a red "Thriller" jacket and sequined glove. I remember getting that glove for my tenth birthday. I would wear it and dance around to his album for hours in my bedroom.
It is a fond memory from my childhood. Michael Jackson was my first celebrity crush. He was so handsome at that time, it was a shame what he eventually became.
He turned out to be such a weirdo, later on in life though. How sad. He was also most likely a pedophile. What a tragic human being.
Michael Jackson, icon, trailblazer, singer, dancer, poet, entertainer, brother, son, father....RIP
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